Links

Menomena, 'Mines' [Tunes]: The Portland based trio, Menomena, are the artisanal bakers of the music world, painstakingly crafting hundreds of musical loops using its own self-created music software to eventually pattern songs together. Would you expect anything less from a band that named itself after that famous Sesame Street Tune? The new album took three and a half years to put together, and will be streaming at NPR until its release on July 27th.

The Miseducation of LeBron James: An inside peek at the melodrama of LeBron James' free agency, including how Coach K nearly left him off off the Beijing Olympic Team due to his immaturity. This summer's biggest trends: 1) Wayfarer Sunglasses, 2) Cut-off shorts, 3) Dissing LeBron.

Your City in Zelda Format: Check out your city in the form of a 1980's Nintendo video game, with fully functioning GPS, and surprising detail on parks, street names, etc. There are ten cities currently online (ranging from Austin to Paris)...apparently 8-bit is the new Mac product.

The Wrist Bone's Connected to the....Hamstring?: An interesting write-up on Tim Hudson and how Tommy John surgery has given him more strength in his arm than he's had in years. With TJ surgeries being commonplace and successful enough that pitchers routinely throw faster after surgery, we've flown right past the "we can rebuild him" concept from the Six-Million Dollar Man. Not surprisingly, Tim Hudson is making Ten Million Dollars this year.

Peter Venkman Will See You Now: An interview with Bill Murray, the one where he doesn't give any answers, doesn't remember anyone, and stays as mysterious, and therefore as intriguing, as ever. Is it me or has Bill Murray turned into the Dalai Lama of the modern world? Everything he says is touched with zen - none of it makes any sense and yet he seems to be the only one speaking the truth. Also, Ghostbusters 3 may or may not happen. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

They're Back: Speaking of comebacks, MTV announces the return of Beavis and Butthead. No confirmation yet on when the highly anticipated Jersey Shore episode will be revealed.

They're Just (Not) Like You: There was a time when Sports Illustrated's annual athlete earnings edition made the front page of the magazine, and America would be shocked to hear about how Mike Schmidt would make $3000 per at bat. Nowadays the numbers are simply impossible to comprehend. I have the same reaction to hearing that Tiger made $90M last year as I do to hearing that our deficit is in the trillions. Inconceivable.

It's a Triple Crown of Some Sort: After Sweet Lou Pinella announces his retirement, a reporter reminisces fondly of an interview with the man...at a urinal....while holding a lit cigarette.....while holding a turkey and swiss hogie in hand. Pretty impressive, Sweet Lou should have a fine career ahead of him giving corporate seminars on multi-tasking.

Benny the Bull Mistaken as "Bloods" Gangmember: This report on the Bulls mascot being attacked at an amusement park by an enraged couple brings up only one question: what the hell kind of place is Odyssey Fun World? Color me terrified.

Thank Goodness His Name Wasn't "Heady O'Hallahan": The left arm of Lefty O'Doul was returned to the San Francisco bar bearing his name after some dudes from Iowa stole it, flew it on a plane back to Des Moines, and snapped photos partying with it on a three year joyride through the Midwest.

Some people think this drummer is at the wrong gig. I think he's at exactly the right place at the right time. Enjoy:

Links of the Week

M.I.A., '/\/\/\Y/\ (MAYA)' [Tunes]: I've seen M.I.A. a few times in the past, each time her live act has managed to be upsetting in some way - always late, always antagonistic, her persona was only as insufferable as her music was good. Even with that, this hook would be welcome anywhere, anytime, attitude be damned. Following her unflattering NY Times feature, (the one where MIA released the writer's telephone number over Twitter in retaliation), the hype was ripe, but, the beats were not as sweet. While it's getting ripped in reviews, the album is still worth a listen. For me, both 'It Takes a Muscle' and 'It Iz What It Iz' are solid tracks.

España Copa Mundial de la Celebración: I recall someone saying that the World Cup winner would come from the España - Deutschland side of the bracket. Here's a great set of pictures memorializing the celebration back in Spain. What an absolutely amazing event, can't believe we have to wait 48 months till the next one.

Thanks for Being Had By Us: A realistic look at what it means to host the World Cup, where the local people and culture are a backdrop to corporate profiteers. A pin-striped mafia indeed.

Imagine if This Happened During Brazil 2014: The 25-year old goalkeeper of Brazil's most popular soccer team is arrested for...well... you'll have to read on for yourself. Let's just say the crime manages to make Rae Carruth look halfway decent. The last quote of the article is particularly telling about where the keeper's priorities lie.

What Exactly Was He Supposed to Do? A truck driver in New Zealand kills some downtime after crashing by popping open a beer while waiting for the police to arrive. So what if he was drinking for four days straight, had an alcohol level that was three times the legal limit, or was trapped overturned in his own car? Minor details, those.

Ashley Cole Enters the Keith Hernandez Zone: England owes Ashley Cole a staunch apology for lashing out at him for his subpar performance during the World Cup. No one realized what he was going through at the time, poor guy has to go all the way to Los Angeles to try to cheer himself up with a couple of 20-year old girls while his wife is stuck in London recovering from malaria (um, what?!). This is why tabloids in the UK are so much richer than what we get here in the states. Forget the "celebrities are just like us" section. Just look at those outfits Ashley's dates are wearing out the nightclub. Also wonderful are the quotes from the girl's mums...their obliviousness to the situation is like they're reading from an old Monty Python sketch.

Name That Molina Blog: An inside look at a veteran baseball catcher's thoughts when he gets traded to another team. It's amazing that players often hear about these transactions after the general public does. Kudos also goes to Buster Posey for having the presence of mind to tell Molina that his dinner is "running late" and that he won't be able to stop by to chat before Molina has to leave. Since Posey is basically replacing Molina on the squad, he managed to avoid a completely awkward conversation without losing any social points in doing so. Just tremendous veteran instincts by the rookie, that kid's a keeper.

He Who Casts the First Stone: San Francisco Giants announcer, Jon Miller (also of ESPN's Sunday Night games) accuses the Colorado Rockies of using non-humidor baseballs in late innings when advantageous to the Rockies. In response, the Rockies offered to instead hire Barry Bonds' strength coaches from Balco Labs to help the pump up the baseballs.

Nerd Alert!: Drew Storen, relief pitcher for the Washington Nationals, will be going back to Stanford in the fall to earn his degree in mechanical engineering. His dream? To create a pair of baseball spikes based on the Kobe Bryant basketball shoes that look like a molded marshmallow. Every Stanford mechanical engineer's dream? To play in the major leagues in baseball spikes that do not look anything like molded marshmallows.

Tiger Woods Is Not Your Friend: An insightful interview with Tiger Wood's swing coach on what it meant to be on team Tiger over the past six years. Like high school kids, the world's most famous golfer and coach broke up over text message. Some very good stuff here, including this, "Q: It's been said that Tiger views any association with him as helping that person out. Do you go along with that? Haney: You said it, I didn't."

Ending with a couple World Cup highlight videos. This first one includes my favorite song from the past 3 weeks. It's a shame ESPN/ABC went with that completely unmemorable U2 song instead of this one:


The BBC also closes strong with a very cool District 9 influenced montage. Apologies for having to link to the video, it's been taken down on YouTube. I don't have the acumen to know how to embed the video without it playing automatically, though I promise the montage is well worth the extra click.

5 Point Cafe - LeBron James

Trying out a new Five Quick Points format here, leading off with the LeBron decision. As always, I'll try to focus on points not often heard:

1) The Heat is On: The Miami Heat are going to win championships. Probably a few of them. The Miami Heat will define this decade much like the Lakers-Celtics rivalry did in the 80's and the Bulls dynasty dominated the 90's. Remember, they've got six years to get this done, and Pat Riley is counting on other players to come to the Heat on the cheap. The intoxicating combination of celebrity, weather, and no state taxes sells itself to NBA players. Already, Udonis Haslem and Mike Miller have signed with the Heat for less than what they could have received elsewhere, and other veterans are sure to follow. Think Ron Artest was shameless in his runs with the Lakers championship this year? Wait till you see what NBA players will get up to in South Beach.

2) If the Ring Fits You Must Acquit: Brand LeBron is going to recover its basketball shine once the games are played. We will sit back in awe watching LeBron unleash his talents with a new cast of co-stars in Miami. It's worth pointing out that an NBA player's prime runs from ages 24-27 in the NBA, and LeBron just spent two of those years (and seven total) falling short with Cleveland (he turns 26 next season). LeBron recognizes that his basketball legacy will ultimately ride on his ability to win titles while still an NBA superstar. Assuming the superstar timeframe lasts through age 34 (Jordan's age during the Bulls last title), that gives LeBron eight years to win as many rings as possible. How many of those eight chances does Miami need to win to make this a success? One? Four? More than four? Make no mistake, LeBron is gunning to be remembered as one of the best ever to play the game, and, whether it was the best decision or not, he put himself on the fast-track to get there. Just take a look at the number of rings the NBA's five greatest players (according to Bill Simmons' Book of Basketball) have won, in order: Jordan (5), Russell (11), Kareem (6), Magic (5) and Bird (3). Assuming LeBron wins a few (here's guessing that he will), the only question will be how long "the Decision" stains Brand LeBron's popularity?

3) Did LRMR just sign Vinny Chase up for Medellin? Remember when Entourage was watchable and Vinny Chase listened to his posse of high school friends in committing to the bomb that was Medellin, sidetracking his career? Remember when LeBron James was one of the most likeable athletes in the world and he listened to his posse of high school friends in committing to the bomb that was the Decision, sidetracking his career? In one fell, hour long swoop, LRMR, the marketing group LeBron founded to employ his friends, upset nearly everyone that mattered - his fans, his hometown, even his agency. The fact that Nike and Sprite, two of LeBron's biggest sponsors, were smart enough to decide against hawking their products during certain prime time ratings gold starring their A-list pitchman says all that needs to be said about how misguided the show was. Even the company's website reeks of amateurism. If a marketing company can't put a good website together, what can they do? Famously, each of the letters in LRMR stand for the names of LeBron's closest friends growing up, only now it's abundantly clear that only one of those letters will ever matter. Think Chris Paul might want to reconsider this decision?

4) The Elephant is on Standby in Room 2011: There's likely going to be a lockout in the NBA when the current collective bargaining agreement expires at the end of the upcoming season. Reports indicate that 25 of the 30 NBA teams lost money last season, and David Stern announced financial losses of $370 million, figures that are simply unsustainable for the owners. Meanwhile, the players are happy with the way things are. Currently, approximately 57% of basketball-related income in the NBA goes to the players. Something has to give, and Stern is going to use this opportunity to give some of that revenue back to the owners. This eventually means the players, particularly superstars earning maximum guaranteed salaries, will face significant pay cuts to appease the owners. The public backlash against LeBron is not helping things for the NBA, and, depending on how this upcoming season goes, a lockout could be even more devastating. Maybe LeBron's new team is just what the NBA deserves, a city that is long on glitz, glamor and celebrity but short on whatever else might actually matter.

5) The Rant Heard Round the World: By now everyone has read Cleveland Cavs owner Dan Gilbert's letter about the ordeal, the ridiculousness of which is only matched by the font used. Estimates now project that the Cavaliers franchise (Gilbert is the leader of the investment group) stands to drop up to $250 million in value without LeBron. Add to the fact the Gilbert is building a casino near the Cavs arena, and all of a sudden that ridiculous email turns into a rant embodying the loss of hundreds of millions of dollars. Poor Cleveland, it's amazing how spot on this parody video clip of the city really is.

World Cup's 21 Questions

We're just a few games away from the end of the 2010 World Cup, when much of the globe will tune in to witness the final act of this sports drama. It's been a tournament full of revelations (see: Germany, Netherlands), degradations (see: France, England), and vuvuzelations (hear: sound of killer bees emanating from TVs during games). Before we're bombarded with a bevy of tournament wrap-up articles, I present to you the World Cup's 21 Questions. I know, it sounds suspiciously like Bill Simmons' recent World Cup's 20 Questions article, and, well, you're right. The difference? Let's just say that like the McDowell's Eddie Murphy works at in Coming to America, my buns have no seeds. Nevermind the details. Let's get started...

Question No. 1) Can we start this off with a round of, "Wait, that player looks like someone and it's killing me..."

Sure. Sports Guy started you off with the first one, but here's a few more.

Lionel Messi (Argentina) = Dustin Hoffman from "All the President's Men"











Diego Forlan (Uruguay) = CC Deville (guitarist from Poison)












Luis Suarez (Uruguay) = J.C. Chasez












Carlos Puyol (Spain) = Lead Singer of Anvil












Martin Dimichelis (Argentina) = Mickey Rourke













Dirk Kuyt (Netherlands) = Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills, 90210












Question No. 3) Those aside, what is the single funniest picture of this World Cup so far?

Easy. This picture slays me. I know, you're all wondering what was said on the sidelines here. One of my Spanish speaking buddies provided a rough translation: Asst. Coach Mancuso, "Diego, just remember when you get back to the hotel room, we have moved la cocaína to the lower left drawer of your dresser under your socks, so please do not freak out that it is not inside the stuffed tiger's mouth. Do not worry yourself with preparing for the next match. If Messi is half the player you were, he can figure Germany out himself."

Question No. 4) And the funniest videos?

This requires a two part answer. The first includes a cameraman who gets himself involved with Argentina's goal celebration, then slapped for doing so:


Not to be outdone, the industrious German coach digs deep to find inspiration:

Question No. 5) What's with the curse of that awesome Nike ad?

After coming out with what might be the best soccer advertisement of all time, every single one of Nike's players fell flat on their face during the cup. If you don't believe me, just take a look at a list of the superstar players featured in the ad:

- Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast (broke his arm in a friendly, 1 goal, out in 1st round)
- Fabio Cannavaro, Italy (a step slow at age 36, out in 1st round)
- Wayne Rooney, England (0 goals, caught on camera lashing out at fans, out in 2nd round)
- Franck Ribery, France (0 goals, disgraced French team out in 1st round...then there's this)
- Ronaldinho, Brazil (failed to make Brazil team)
- Christiano Ronaldo, Portugal (1 goal, out in 2nd round)

Add in Roger Federer's losses in the quarterfinals at the French Open and Wimbledon, as well as the poor summer campaigns for the lesser known soccer players in the ad (Theo Walcott, Neymar) and the curse seems like a phenomenon. If Homer's cameo leads to the Simpsons going off the air this year, we'll know who to blame.

Question No. 6) What's the silver lining with those famous teams losing so early?

Most fans in the states can't understand why the traditional powers have been bounced so early this year. France and Italy couldn't even make it out of their groups, England appeared listless throughout, and Portugal scored in just one of the four matches it played. Even Brazil went down early. And yet a lot of soccer pundits are saying this is a good thing for the game of soccer.

The reason? Call it the curse of José Mourinho, the coach who just signed with Spanish powerhouse Real Madrid for a reported 10 million euros per year (that's $12.28 million for those scoring at home). Mourinho is considered to be the best soccer coach in the world (and certainly its highest paid) after leading Italian side Inter Milan to domestic and international club titles last year, including the Champions League title, the Super Bowl trophy of soccer. Mourinho favors a disciplined brand of soccer, one that utilizes its defense to stifle the other team's offense and suck it deep to its side of the pitch before relying on counter-attacks to produce goals going the other way. The upside of this approach is that it produces winning results, as Mourinho has shown. The downside? It's dull and boring. This, more than anything else, is an unacceptable crime to a passionate viewing public that believes entertaining soccer is an international birthright.

Soccer, as with all sports, tends to be full of copycats, and many powerhouse countries adopted the defend/counter-attack model to some extent. What worked Mourinho or for Italy in 2006 failed completely in this year's cup. Even Brazil, the most revered, entertaining, joga bonito playing side in history went against its soccer traditions and entered this cup with a cautious approach emphasizing defense and counters, much to the dismay of its fans. That Brazil lost against one of the world's best teams is understandable. That they lost playing a boring brand of soccer is inexcusable.

So consider it a win for global soccer that these world powers lost, showing that there is still a place for the beautiful brand of offensive soccer displayed by Spain, Germany and Argentina. One can only hope that the last few games will be entertaining and well played as well, resulting in more teams going joga bonita next time around for Brazil 2014.

Question No. 7) Speaking of Brazil, how are they handling that loss?

Based on the fact that Brazil's President had to address the loss in his weekly radio address to the country, not well. In fact, his comments included the quote, "crying over spilled milk is for those who are not used to winning." Talk about a backhanded compliment for the Dutch. Meanwhile, Brazil is going to be carrying four years of built up pressure into hosting the World Cup in 2014 - nothing would surprise me in Brazil's pursuit of taking back the cup on its home soil. I fully expect the team to hire Victor Conte as its strength coach and Bill Belicheck as its video coordinator by then.

Question No. 8) Back to 2010, who's winning this World Cup?

It's going to be the winner of the Germany - Spain semifinal. Mark it down. Never underestimate the Dutch ability to get in their own way of victory. Remember the Winter Olympics when that Dutch coach robbed its star speed skater of a goal medal? That wasn't a coincidence. There's a reason the Dutch are considered to be one of the best teams in the world and yet have never won the big one. They're like the Minnesota Vikings of soccer. And Uruguay, a country of just 3 million people, has got to have that "happy to be here" air about them at this point. Think about how emotionally spent the US team looked against Ghana after that Algeria game. I can't see how Uruguay can dig deep enough to win two games against the world's best, especially after losing several of its best players to suspension following the handball fiasco.

Question No. 9) So who's winning, Germany or Spain?

I've got no clue who will win this rematch of the 2008 European Championship. Germany's slightly favored, and have looked like world beaters the past two matches, but will be without its young star, Thomas Müller. They also haven't shown the ability to come back in a match yet after taking early 2-0 leads against both England and Argentina. If Spain can get on the board first, it might be tough for the Germans to mount a comeback.

Meanwhile, Spain hasn't looked like the devastatingly clinical side that won that 2008 championship, relying on second half goals from David Villa to get past the underwhelming Portugal and Paraguay sides. The star of the '08 run, Fernando Torres, has looked to be out of form while recovering from an injury late in the club season, and the team has performed better when he was substituted. It looks like a coinflip. If Spain can get some production out of Torres or another attacker (say Fabregas, or Pedro), it should be able to hold possession and win.

Question No. 10) How did Germany get this good?

Germany is fielding the third youngest team (behind Ghana and North Korea) in the entire field, and have played some of the most exciting soccer so far. But it's not just a youth movement that's afoot in Germany, they've even got an academic system in place to support soccer performance. Unlike American colleges, which pretend that education is more important than sports, the German University of Sport is unafraid to hide behind any such charade.

Check out this article in the UK Telegraph describing how students at the university studied players from each of the 31 other countries over a 5 year span. With 23 players per side, that's footage on over 700 players. The Germans even provide their goalies with a cheat sheet detailing all opposing player's tendencies on penalty kicks. Talk about organization. Meanwhile, the US couldn't even make the correct decision on fielding its 11 best players.

Question No. 11) Speaking of the US, what does the future hold for soccer in America?

On a national team level, we should continue to improve and build upon the accomplishments of 2010. We'll likely get a new coach (see: Klinsman, Juergen), and will have a new four year cycle to introduce some young upstarts to the team. Soccer is only going to grow here domestically with the success of the MLS, whose attendance is nearly 10% better in 2010 than it was at this time last year, with expansion teams arriving in Portland, Vancouver and Montreal the next two years.

The bigger question is whether we can develop those young upstarts to perform at the level required to compete with the world's best. Left unsettled in 2010 was how much closer the US is to that level. When I read Sunil Gulati's remarks following the loss to Ghana, I imagined that he was lamenting not only the lost opportunity in failing to take advantage of the relatively open path to the semifinals, but also the fact that we as a country still don't have a sense of where we stand in the global soccer picture.

Taken objectively, we beat an Algerian side that proved to be one of the worst teams in the tournament, a sentiment that is further supported by the fact that five of the six African nations failed to move on from the group stages. We tied a listless English team, as well as Slovenia, a nation with .6% of our population, before losing 2-1 to Ghana for the second World Cup in a row. Certainly not the murderer's row of national accomplishments, and a step back from beating Spain and being up 2-0 against Brazil in last year's Confederations Cup.

Another matter lost with this team is the genesis of how this US squad came together. A number of our best players are either first or second generation Americans (meaning they or their parents were born in another country), a list that includes Landon Donovan (Canada), Tim Howard (Hungary), Jozy Altidore (Haiti), Oguchi Onyewu (Nigeria), Benny Feilhaber (Brazil), Stuart Holden (Scotland), Carlos Bocanegra (Mexico), Maurice Edu (Nigeria), and Hercules Gomez (Mexico). While this certainly doesn't make them any less America, it does help to show how much soccer is a foreign game. Is it any wonder that our very best players in the sport arose from a love of soccer rooted to another country? Will the MLS grow big enough domestically to provide that same level of passion for soccer to our next generation of athletes?

The enduring image from this year's squad was our ability to take a punch and get back up. We were losing in three of the four matches played, and found a way to get back level in all of them. While we ran out of gas against Ghana in the end, the team showed the classic American never-say-die fighting spirit. Pele has a famous story that he tells of watching his father cry while listening to Brazil lose in the World Cup finals. After seeing his father's heartache, Pele promised his father he would bring the World Cup title back to Brazil, and did so just eight years later. Hopefully there's a young American out there somewhere moved to make a similar promise to this guy:



Question No. 12) Speaking of the MLS, why don't I ever watch it?

The MLS is still growing, so we all need to be patient. The season runs from March through the end of November and is geared towards its main consumers in the markets it plays in, not to the everyday sportsfan. The league has come far in producing a polished product, in part because the proliferation of soccer only stadiums throughout the league provide for a much better viewing experience both in person and on television. Unless soccer is the clear number one sport on your list, it's just not possible to be a diehard fan for the nine months when competing with the MLB season, the NBA/NHL playoffs, the first few weeks of NFL, and majors in both tennis and golf.

Another problem with the MLS schedule is that they continue to play the championship game, its single most important match of the year, on a late fall Sunday right up against a full slate of NFL games. Look, we can give up a college football weekend, or even a weekend baseball playoff day as long our teams aren't playing, but you can't ask us to give up one of our 17 NFL weekends to tune in to a soccer match. Pick a Saturday, or a Thursday night where you're up against one NFL game instead of 16. Anything other than an NFL Sunday would be a start.

Question No. 13) Now that I think about the US matches, how did they pick the bars they were showing during the games?

They are the home bars to the various chapters of the American Outlaws, a rabid group of supporters of the US men's team. Kudos to them for getting organized enough to draw ESPN and ABC to film them watching the games.

Question No. 14) Why is FIFA so against using technology to help on goals and offsides calls?

The president of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, appears to have taken a hardline stance against the use of technology to help improve refereeing the game. The reason the leader of a sport that generates billions of dollars world-wide refuses technological advancements to improve the game can be answered simply: controversy sells. The more controversy there is surrounding a game, the more it is discussed, dissected, and replayed. Eventually, the controversy surrounding the game becomes part of the game itself, generating interest in a match years later. Just think, anytime England plays Germany from here on out, the first thing anyone will think of is this image:Well, not exactly THAT image, but you get the point. Thanks to Frank Lampard's non-goal goal, Blatter was forced to backtrack from his stance and it appears that soccer will begin to utilize some form of technology to assist with determining goals. The MLS has already stated that it would be willing to be a testing ground for such technology. With the American public demanding justice in their sports, the almighty American advertising dollar is at stake. Surely technology in soccer will follow.

Question No. 15) So why does controversy selling allow soccer to continue on when nearly all other sports use technology to improve their sport?

The answer to this questions lies in the simplicity of soccer. Namely, that anyone can watch a game anywhere in the world and not be burdened by having to know a complicated set of rules. Imagine you were to walk into a bar and stumble on a soccer game on tv without having ever seen the sport before. It wouldn't take long to understand the point of the contest and the underlying rules of the game. That's what makes soccer the best communal viewing experience of all sports out there, and a big reason why it is so popular to watch in bars and pubs around the world.

Put another way, imagine trying to teach the rules soccer to an unfrozen caveman lawyer who had never seen the sport before. It would be pretty easy, really. You have 11 players per side, no one can use their hands except for the goalie in the goalbox, and there would be fouls called for impeding a player's progress either to the ball or to the goal, with yellow or red cards used to penalize harsher fouls or fouls that directly impede a goal scoring opportunity. Sure, you'd have to eventually explain throw-ins, free kicks (including penalty and corner kicks), and the offsides rule, but that's pretty much it. What other team sport could you explain so quickly? Imagine trying to explain the same person the rules of American football, basketball, or baseball in two sentences? Not so easy.

Add to this the fact that soccer matches by nature are close contests. A team can dominate in nearly every respect yet win 1-0. I can't think of any other sport where you fully expect the game to be tied at least 50% of the time. It's why soccer creates so much drama, especially on the highest level. Any change in the game could drastically affect the final result, and FIFA is loathe to allow technology to alter this delicate balance.

Question No. 16) So what type of technology will FIFA use to improve the game?

It's not clear at this point what type of technology will be used, but right now, here are the options:

1) Video replays for disputed goals, as used in NHL hockey or the end of NBA playoff games. The use of video replays appears the most controversial. There is a fear that it would slow down the pace of a game, a notion that is anathema to soccer purists. With less stoppages than any other sport, the pace of a game is sacred, and it is unlikely Blatter will allow his legacy to involve this option.

2) The Hawk-eye type technology utilized in tennis, cricket and snooker. The high-speed camera system is said to be able to determine whether a ball crosses the goal within .5 seconds. Tennis has shown this to be a quick and painless way to determine whether a ball is in or out, essentially the same task that would be performed for determining goals. However, the technology is expensive, costing roughly $500,000 per installation, and requires that the ball be at least 25 percent visible in order to be foolproof. That last point shouldn't go unnoticed. While not an issue in tennis as balls are hardly ever obscured, in soccer the camera would have to contend with players, the goalie, the goalposts, and the netting to be visible. That's a lot to pay for a technology that may not work at the most crucial time.

3) Coaches challenges as used in the NFL. This seems the most unlikely option since it would require a whole set of rules covering the challenge system itself. How many challenges would a coach get? Would offsides be open to challenges in addition to goals? What about players diving? It took the NFL decades to evolve from its initial use of video replays to the coach's challenge system it has now, and the rules are still being tweaked for maximum efficiency. This system has almost no chance of being applied to soccer in the near future.

4) Use of chips in the ball that would declare whether a ball crossed the line. This idea provides an insane marketing opportunity for sports companies. Think about Addidas creating a ball where the Adidas logo would light up anytime the ball crossed a goal line? How about a Nike swoosh turning red whenever a ball goes bout of bounds? The marketing possibilities seem endless here, though you wonder why we haven't seen anything like this yet on a smaller scale.

Question No. 17) Aside from technology, what else would you like to change about soccer?

One of the biggest complaints of soccer out of the American sporting landscape is the diving and fake injuries that occur all over the pitch. Anyone that watched the end of the Ghana match knows how infuriating this can be. The answer to ending this simulation is simple - allow for officials to retroactively assess yellow cards for players that are found to have play acted an injury or dove in order to draw a foul. It's too difficult to expect officials to be able to assess yellow cards for such tactics during the match itself, and I'm certain that if players were in jeopardy of missing games or losing part of their salary due to suspension, they would quickly clean up this part of the game. It's an easy solution to one of soccer's biggest criticisms. I'm shocked this hasn't happened yet. Or, of course, we could always live with dives like these (note: it appears that DeRossi may have been clipped in this run, but that "shot out of a cannon" reaction is just too good to ignore):



Question No. 18) I keep hearing pitch, nil, and match during games. Can you please translate?

Speaking about soccer using the international terminology is a little like speaking too formally with your friends. No one wants to be that person. Nonetheless, it can't hurt to know some terms that the rest of the world refers to when talking about the world's most popular game. So here you go:

football = soccer
field = pitch
game = match
nil = zero
out of touch = out of bounds (when referring to throw-ins rather than corner/goal kicks)
kit = jersey
boots = cleats
clean sheet = shutout
volley = kicking a ball while still in the air
booking = getting a yellow or red card
added/stoppage time = the time added to the end of each half of play (typically 1-4 minutes, unless Man U is playing at home)
extra time = the two 15 minute periods that are added in knock-out stages if a game is tied

Question No. 19) Those are too many words to memorize. Is there one word I can memorize to impress people when talking about soccer...er, football?

Yes. There is a magic word that shows your knowledge of the sport, no matter what you call it. Are you ready for it? You sure? Here it comes.

Shape.

If you are ever in need of a phrase to use while watching or talking soccer with others, you can always talk about the need for a team to "keep its shape." Basically this means that the team must be disciplined enough to keep itself in position to not allow too many gaps between players that the other team can exploit. Think of a 4-4-2 formation (4 defenders, 4 midfielders and 2 forwards) moving as a team in unison up the pitch, keeping the same amount of space between them at all times. Actually, forget about what it means. Just know that you'll always, ALWAYS sound like you know what you're talking about if you bring this up. I promise. Go ahead and try it out this week during the last few games and see if I'm wrong.

Question No. 20) I can't believe Maradona is gone from this tournament. Could you please tell me something hilarious about him that I didn't know?

I know, it's a shame it had to end like this. Maradona gave us so much, and then the Germans took him out just like that. Someone needs to start a campaign to bring Maradona on as the next US head coach. The comedy factor is simply too high to not have him aboard. I've got a couple good snippets for you that should tide you over till his next outburst. For example, did you know that he demanded that his hotel room toilet in South Africa be outfitted with a $450 bidet featuring a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands. What's Maradona going to do with front and rear bidet wands? Actually, strike that. I'd rather not know.

Or, did you know that he wears 2 watches at all times, one set to local time and one set to Argentina time no matter where he is in the world? It's true, take a look for yourself. And yes, those are rosary beads he's clutching in his left hand. As if there was any doubt.
















Question No. 21) Any chance we can get one final Maradona picture to give the man a proper goodbye?

Happy to oblige. I think this picture sums up the World Cup quite nicely, really. Enjoy the last few games.