Question No. 1) Can we start this off with a round of, "Wait, that player looks like someone and it's killing me..."
Sure. Sports Guy started you off with the first one, but here's a few more.
Lionel Messi (Argentina) = Dustin Hoffman from "All the President's Men"
Diego Forlan (Uruguay) = CC Deville (guitarist from Poison)
Luis Suarez (Uruguay) = J.C. Chasez
Carlos Puyol (Spain) = Lead Singer of Anvil
Martin Dimichelis (Argentina) = Mickey Rourke
Dirk Kuyt (Netherlands) = Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills, 90210
Question No. 3) Those aside, what is the single funniest picture of this World Cup so far?
Easy.
This picture slays me. I know, you're all wondering what was said on the sidelines here. One of my Spanish speaking buddies provided a rough translation: Asst. Coach Mancuso, "Diego, just remember when you get back to the hotel room, we have moved la cocaína to the lower left drawer of your dresser under your socks, so please do not freak out that it is not inside the stuffed tiger's mouth. Do not worry yourself with preparing for the next match. If Messi is half the player you were, he can figure Germany out himself."Question No. 4) And the funniest videos?
This requires a two part answer. The first includes a cameraman who gets himself involved with Argentina's goal celebration, then slapped for doing so:
Not to be outdone, the industrious German coach digs deep to find inspiration:
Question No. 5) What's with the curse of that awesome Nike ad?
After coming out with what might be the best soccer advertisement of all time, every single one of Nike's players fell flat on their face during the cup. If you don't believe me, just take a look at a list of the superstar players featured in the ad:
- Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast (broke his arm in a friendly, 1 goal, out in 1st round)
- Fabio Cannavaro, Italy (a step slow at age 36, out in 1st round)
- Wayne Rooney, England (0 goals, caught on camera lashing out at fans, out in 2nd round)
- Franck Ribery, France (0 goals, disgraced French team out in 1st round...then there's this)
- Ronaldinho, Brazil (failed to make Brazil team)
- Christiano Ronaldo, Portugal (1 goal, out in 2nd round)
Add in Roger Federer's losses in the quarterfinals at the French Open and Wimbledon, as well as the poor summer campaigns for the lesser known soccer players in the ad (Theo Walcott, Neymar) and the curse seems like a phenomenon. If Homer's cameo leads to the Simpsons going off the air this year, we'll know who to blame.
Question No. 6) What's the silver lining with those famous teams losing so early?
Most fans in the states can't understand why the traditional powers have been bounced so early this year. France and Italy couldn't even make it out of their groups, England appeared listless throughout, and Portugal scored in just one of the four matches it played. Even Brazil went down early. And yet a lot of soccer pundits are saying this is a good thing for the game of soccer.
The reason? Call it the curse of José Mourinho, the coach who just signed with Spanish powerhouse Real Madrid for a reported 10 million euros per year (that's $12.28 million for those scoring at home). Mourinho is considered to be the best soccer coach in the world (and certainly its highest paid) after leading Italian side Inter Milan to domestic and international club titles last year, including the Champions League title, the Super Bowl trophy of soccer. Mourinho favors a disciplined brand of soccer, one that utilizes its defense to stifle the other team's offense and suck it deep to its side of the pitch before relying on counter-attacks to produce goals going the other way. The upside of this approach is that it produces winning results, as Mourinho has shown. The downside? It's dull and boring. This, more than anything else, is an unacceptable crime to a passionate viewing public that believes entertaining soccer is an international birthright.
Soccer, as with all sports, tends to be full of copycats, and many powerhouse countries adopted the defend/counter-attack model to some extent. What worked Mourinho or for Italy in 2006 failed completely in this year's cup. Even Brazil, the most revered, entertaining, joga bonito playing side in history went against its soccer traditions and entered this cup with a cautious approach emphasizing defense and counters, much to the dismay of its fans. That Brazil lost against one of the world's best teams is understandable. That they lost playing a boring brand of soccer is inexcusable.
So consider it a win for global soccer that these world powers lost, showing that there is still a place for the beautiful brand of offensive soccer displayed by Spain, Germany and Argentina. One can only hope that the last few games will be entertaining and well played as well, resulting in more teams going joga bonita next time around for Brazil 2014.
Question No. 7) Speaking of Brazil, how are they handling that loss?
Based on the fact that Brazil's President had to address the loss in his weekly radio address to the country, not well. In fact, his comments included the quote, "crying over spilled milk is for those who are not used to winning." Talk about a backhanded compliment for the Dutch. Meanwhile, Brazil is going to be carrying four years of built up pressure into hosting the World Cup in 2014 - nothing would surprise me in Brazil's pursuit of taking back the cup on its home soil. I fully expect the team to hire Victor Conte as its strength coach and Bill Belicheck as its video coordinator by then.
Question No. 8) Back to 2010, who's winning this World Cup?
It's going to be the winner of the Germany - Spain semifinal. Mark it down. Never underestimate the Dutch ability to get in their own way of victory. Remember the Winter Olympics when that Dutch coach robbed its star speed skater of a goal medal? That wasn't a coincidence. There's a reason the Dutch are considered to be one of the best teams in the world and yet have never won the big one. They're like the Minnesota Vikings of soccer. And Uruguay, a country of just 3 million people, has got to have that "happy to be here" air about them at this point. Think about how emotionally spent the US team looked against Ghana after that Algeria game. I can't see how Uruguay can dig deep enough to win two games against the world's best, especially after losing several of its best players to suspension following the handball fiasco.
Question No. 9) So who's winning, Germany or Spain?
I've got no clue who will win this rematch of the 2008 European Championship. Germany's slightly favored, and have looked like world beaters the past two matches, but will be without its young star, Thomas Müller. They also haven't shown the ability to come back in a match yet after taking early 2-0 leads against both England and Argentina. If Spain can get on the board first, it might be tough for the Germans to mount a comeback.
Meanwhile, Spain hasn't looked like the devastatingly clinical side that won that 2008 championship, relying on second half goals from David Villa to get past the underwhelming Portugal and Paraguay sides. The star of the '08 run, Fernando Torres, has looked to be out of form while recovering from an injury late in the club season, and the team has performed better when he was substituted. It looks like a coinflip. If Spain can get some production out of Torres or another attacker (say Fabregas, or Pedro), it should be able to hold possession and win.
Question No. 10) How did Germany get this good?
Germany is fielding the third youngest team (behind Ghana and North Korea) in the entire field, and have played some of the most exciting soccer so far. But it's not just a youth movement that's afoot in Germany, they've even got an academic system in place to support soccer performance. Unlike American colleges, which pretend that education is more important than sports, the German University of Sport is unafraid to hide behind any such charade.
Check out this article in the UK Telegraph describing how students at the university studied players from each of the 31 other countries over a 5 year span. With 23 players per side, that's footage on over 700 players. The Germans even provide their goalies with a cheat sheet detailing all opposing player's tendencies on penalty kicks. Talk about organization. Meanwhile, the US couldn't even make the correct decision on fielding its 11 best players.
Question No. 11) Speaking of the US, what does the future hold for soccer in America?
On a national team level, we should continue to improve and build upon the accomplishments of 2010. We'll likely get a new coach (see: Klinsman, Juergen), and will have a new four year cycle to introduce some young upstarts to the team. Soccer is only going to grow here domestically with the success of the MLS, whose attendance is nearly 10% better in 2010 than it was at this time last year, with expansion teams arriving in Portland, Vancouver and Montreal the next two years.
The bigger question is whether we can develop those young upstarts to perform at the level required to compete with the world's best. Left unsettled in 2010 was how much closer the US is to that level. When I read Sunil Gulati's remarks following the loss to Ghana, I imagined that he was lamenting not only the lost opportunity in failing to take advantage of the relatively open path to the semifinals, but also the fact that we as a country still don't have a sense of where we stand in the global soccer picture.
Taken objectively, we beat an Algerian side that proved to be one of the worst teams in the tournament, a sentiment that is further supported by the fact that five of the six African nations failed to move on from the group stages. We tied a listless English team, as well as Slovenia, a nation with .6% of our population, before losing 2-1 to Ghana for the second World Cup in a row. Certainly not the murderer's row of national accomplishments, and a step back from beating Spain and being up 2-0 against Brazil in last year's Confederations Cup.
Another matter lost with this team is the genesis of how this US squad came together. A number of our best players are either first or second generation Americans (meaning they or their parents were born in another country), a list that includes Landon Donovan (Canada), Tim Howard (Hungary), Jozy Altidore (Haiti), Oguchi Onyewu (Nigeria), Benny Feilhaber (Brazil), Stuart Holden (Scotland), Carlos Bocanegra (Mexico), Maurice Edu (Nigeria), and Hercules Gomez (Mexico). While this certainly doesn't make them any less America, it does help to show how much soccer is a foreign game. Is it any wonder that our very best players in the sport arose from a love of soccer rooted to another country? Will the MLS grow big enough domestically to provide that same level of passion for soccer to our next generation of athletes?
The enduring image from this year's squad was our ability to take a punch and get back up. We were losing in three of the four matches played, and found a way to get back level in all of them. While we ran out of gas against Ghana in the end, the team showed the classic American never-say-die fighting spirit. Pele has a famous story that he tells of watching his father cry while listening to Brazil lose in the World Cup finals. After seeing his father's heartache, Pele promised his father he would bring the World Cup title back to Brazil, and did so just eight years later. Hopefully there's a young American out there somewhere moved to make a similar promise to this guy:
Question No. 12) Speaking of the MLS, why don't I ever watch it?
The MLS is still growing, so we all need to be patient. The season runs from March through the end of November and is geared towards its main consumers in the markets it plays in, not to the everyday sportsfan. The league has come far in producing a polished product, in part because the proliferation of soccer only stadiums throughout the league provide for a much better viewing experience both in person and on television. Unless soccer is the clear number one sport on your list, it's just not possible to be a diehard fan for the nine months when competing with the MLB season, the NBA/NHL playoffs, the first few weeks of NFL, and majors in both tennis and golf.
Another problem with the MLS schedule is that they continue to play the championship game, its single most important match of the year, on a late fall Sunday right up against a full slate of NFL games. Look, we can give up a college football weekend, or even a weekend baseball playoff day as long our teams aren't playing, but you can't ask us to give up one of our 17 NFL weekends to tune in to a soccer match. Pick a Saturday, or a Thursday night where you're up against one NFL game instead of 16. Anything other than an NFL Sunday would be a start.
Question No. 13) Now that I think about the US matches, how did they pick the bars they were showing during the games?
They are the home bars to the various chapters of the American Outlaws, a rabid group of supporters of the US men's team. Kudos to them for getting organized enough to draw ESPN and ABC to film them watching the games.
Question No. 14) Why is FIFA so against using technology to help on goals and offsides calls?
The president of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, appears to have taken a hardline stance against the use of technology to help improve refereeing the game. The reason the leader of a sport that generates billions of dollars world-wide refuses technological advancements to improve the game can be answered simply: controversy sells. The more controversy there is surrounding a game, the more it is discussed, dissected, and replayed. Eventually, the controversy surrounding the game becomes part of the game itself, generating interest in a match years later. Just think, anytime England plays Germany from here on out, the first thing anyone will think of is this image:
Well, not exactly THAT image, but you get the point. Thanks to Frank Lampard's non-goal goal, Blatter was forced to backtrack from his stance and it appears that soccer will begin to utilize some form of technology to assist with determining goals. The MLS has already stated that it would be willing to be a testing ground for such technology. With the American public demanding justice in their sports, the almighty American advertising dollar is at stake. Surely technology in soccer will follow.Question No. 15) So why does controversy selling allow soccer to continue on when nearly all other sports use technology to improve their sport?
The answer to this questions lies in the simplicity of soccer. Namely, that anyone can watch a game anywhere in the world and not be burdened by having to know a complicated set of rules. Imagine you were to walk into a bar and stumble on a soccer game on tv without having ever seen the sport before. It wouldn't take long to understand the point of the contest and the underlying rules of the game. That's what makes soccer the best communal viewing experience of all sports out there, and a big reason why it is so popular to watch in bars and pubs around the world.
Put another way, imagine trying to teach the rules soccer to an unfrozen caveman lawyer who had never seen the sport before. It would be pretty easy, really. You have 11 players per side, no one can use their hands except for the goalie in the goalbox, and there would be fouls called for impeding a player's progress either to the ball or to the goal, with yellow or red cards used to penalize harsher fouls or fouls that directly impede a goal scoring opportunity. Sure, you'd have to eventually explain throw-ins, free kicks (including penalty and corner kicks), and the offsides rule, but that's pretty much it. What other team sport could you explain so quickly? Imagine trying to explain the same person the rules of American football, basketball, or baseball in two sentences? Not so easy.
Add to this the fact that soccer matches by nature are close contests. A team can dominate in nearly every respect yet win 1-0. I can't think of any other sport where you fully expect the game to be tied at least 50% of the time. It's why soccer creates so much drama, especially on the highest level. Any change in the game could drastically affect the final result, and FIFA is loathe to allow technology to alter this delicate balance.
Question No. 16) So what type of technology will FIFA use to improve the game?
It's not clear at this point what type of technology will be used, but right now, here are the options:
1) Video replays for disputed goals, as used in NHL hockey or the end of NBA playoff games. The use of video replays appears the most controversial. There is a fear that it would slow down the pace of a game, a notion that is anathema to soccer purists. With less stoppages than any other sport, the pace of a game is sacred, and it is unlikely Blatter will allow his legacy to involve this option.
2) The Hawk-eye type technology utilized in tennis, cricket and snooker. The high-speed camera system is said to be able to determine whether a ball crosses the goal within .5 seconds. Tennis has shown this to be a quick and painless way to determine whether a ball is in or out, essentially the same task that would be performed for determining goals. However, the technology is expensive, costing roughly $500,000 per installation, and requires that the ball be at least 25 percent visible in order to be foolproof. That last point shouldn't go unnoticed. While not an issue in tennis as balls are hardly ever obscured, in soccer the camera would have to contend with players, the goalie, the goalposts, and the netting to be visible. That's a lot to pay for a technology that may not work at the most crucial time.
3) Coaches challenges as used in the NFL. This seems the most unlikely option since it would require a whole set of rules covering the challenge system itself. How many challenges would a coach get? Would offsides be open to challenges in addition to goals? What about players diving? It took the NFL decades to evolve from its initial use of video replays to the coach's challenge system it has now, and the rules are still being tweaked for maximum efficiency. This system has almost no chance of being applied to soccer in the near future.
4) Use of chips in the ball that would declare whether a ball crossed the line. This idea provides an insane marketing opportunity for sports companies. Think about Addidas creating a ball where the Adidas logo would light up anytime the ball crossed a goal line? How about a Nike swoosh turning red whenever a ball goes bout of bounds? The marketing possibilities seem endless here, though you wonder why we haven't seen anything like this yet on a smaller scale.
Question No. 17) Aside from technology, what else would you like to change about soccer?
One of the biggest complaints of soccer out of the American sporting landscape is the diving and fake injuries that occur all over the pitch. Anyone that watched the end of the Ghana match knows how infuriating this can be. The answer to ending this simulation is simple - allow for officials to retroactively assess yellow cards for players that are found to have play acted an injury or dove in order to draw a foul. It's too difficult to expect officials to be able to assess yellow cards for such tactics during the match itself, and I'm certain that if players were in jeopardy of missing games or losing part of their salary due to suspension, they would quickly clean up this part of the game. It's an easy solution to one of soccer's biggest criticisms. I'm shocked this hasn't happened yet. Or, of course, we could always live with dives like these (note: it appears that DeRossi may have been clipped in this run, but that "shot out of a cannon" reaction is just too good to ignore):
Question No. 18) I keep hearing pitch, nil, and match during games. Can you please translate?
Speaking about soccer using the international terminology is a little like speaking too formally with your friends. No one wants to be that person. Nonetheless, it can't hurt to know some terms that the rest of the world refers to when talking about the world's most popular game. So here you go:
football = soccer
field = pitch
game = match
nil = zero
out of touch = out of bounds (when referring to throw-ins rather than corner/goal kicks)
kit = jersey
boots = cleats
clean sheet = shutout
volley = kicking a ball while still in the air
booking = getting a yellow or red card
added/stoppage time = the time added to the end of each half of play (typically 1-4 minutes, unless Man U is playing at home)
extra time = the two 15 minute periods that are added in knock-out stages if a game is tied
Question No. 19) Those are too many words to memorize. Is there one word I can memorize to impress people when talking about soccer...er, football?
Yes. There is a magic word that shows your knowledge of the sport, no matter what you call it. Are you ready for it? You sure? Here it comes.
Shape.
If you are ever in need of a phrase to use while watching or talking soccer with others, you can always talk about the need for a team to "keep its shape." Basically this means that the team must be disciplined enough to keep itself in position to not allow too many gaps between players that the other team can exploit. Think of a 4-4-2 formation (4 defenders, 4 midfielders and 2 forwards) moving as a team in unison up the pitch, keeping the same amount of space between them at all times. Actually, forget about what it means. Just know that you'll always, ALWAYS sound like you know what you're talking about if you bring this up. I promise. Go ahead and try it out this week during the last few games and see if I'm wrong.
Question No. 20) I can't believe Maradona is gone from this tournament. Could you please tell me something hilarious about him that I didn't know?
I know, it's a shame it had to end like this. Maradona gave us so much, and then the Germans took him out just like that. Someone needs to start a campaign to bring Maradona on as the next US head coach. The comedy factor is simply too high to not have him aboard. I've got a couple good snippets for you that should tide you over till his next outburst. For example, did you know that he demanded that his hotel room toilet in South Africa be outfitted with a $450 bidet featuring a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands. What's Maradona going to do with front and rear bidet wands? Actually, strike that. I'd rather not know.
Or, did you know that he wears 2 watches at all times, one set to local time and one set to Argentina time no matter where he is in the world? It's true, take a look for yourself. And yes, those are rosary beads he's clutching in his left hand. As if there was any doubt.
Question No. 21) Any chance we can get one final Maradona picture to give the man a proper goodbye?
Happy to oblige. I think this picture sums up the World Cup quite nicely, really. Enjoy the last few games.
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