NFL Season Preview – The Hangover

One of my favorite formats the Sports Guy brought to the table was the use of movie quotes to preview an upcoming season, his Top Gun and Almost Famous articles were instant classics. I’ve been awaiting his take on the Hangover ever since it came out last summer. The movie has been out for well over a year, and it still hasn’t happened. This is simply unacceptable, especially considering that no movie title would ever work better coming off a season where the New Orleans Saints won a Superbowl title. It’s been far too long since Drew Brees partied with fans at a bar following the Saint's victory parade through the French Quarter.

Honestly, how cool is that video? Can you imagine any other Superbowl winning quarterback strolling into a bar, plain shirt on, no entourage in sight, just there to party with the people? Brees looks like such a regular dude, he’s not even taller than the bar crowd around him. You can’t tell me every single one of those people in that video didn’t drink an extra hurricane that night knowing that they were just drinking in the French Quarter out with Superbowl MVP. In honor of all those in glorious pain in the Big Easy the next day, I present the NFL Season Preview, Hangover edition:

1. Alan (Zach Galifianakis): Whatever happens tonight, I won't ever

speak a word of it. Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone. You heard me.

One of the movie’s early gems goes to the recruiting trip that Brad Childress took to Mississippi with Steve Hutchinson, Ryan Longwell and Jared Allen to convince Brett Farve to play this season. Did any of those guys actually think there was any way they'd be coming back without Farve? They were going to do whatever it took to bring him to back to Minnesota for one more season. Back at camp, has there ever been a bigger middle finger from a coach regarding his belief in the rest of the team after he left with three of their best players to recruit a 41 year old who isn’t even sure that he wanted to play? Speaking of which, did everyone see pictures of those bruises on Farve’s ankle and thigh after the NFC Championship game last year? Those pictures are ghastly.

At the time of the visit, Farve was reportedly still rehabbing his ankle after offseason surgery. Anyone else get the sense that relying on a 41 year old quarterback still not recovered from an injured leg might not be the safest course of action? There’s no going back now for the Vikings after doubling down on Farve. Meanwhile, the franchise has killed off any remaining modicum of confidence that backup QB Tarvarias Jackson had left. All of a sudden, Jackson has morphed into Meg from the Family Guy. It’s going to be an absolute train wreck if Tarvarias is forced into action this season. It's too bad he’s been set up for failure this way, all of America will be watching, and it's not going to be pretty to see.

2. Old Timer at Gas Station: This is a sweet ride you got here.

Alan: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me either. That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public.

To Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. The Packers have been reinventing their team around Rodgers ever since they made the decision to go with him over Farve following the 2008 season. The recent revelation that Rodgers was unabashedly rooting against Brett Farve in last year’s NFC Championship game should come as no surprise. Even if he’ll never say it to the media, Rodgers has always had some level of disgust for Farve, who famously did not speak to Rodgers after he reached out to the old man following their last game together. Going 0-2 against the Vikings last year was a deep blow to Rodgers and the Packers. Had they won those two games, the Pack would have won the division and secured a bye in the playoffs. Now the Packers are everyone's pick to win it all, they're actually tied with the Saints and Colts as favorites for the title this year. But first they’ll have to prove they’re capable of beating old #4, using last year’s failures as a prime source of motivation.

3. Phil (Bradley Cooper): Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy: Phil, where the hell are you guys?
Phil: Listen, we f’d up. We lost Doug.
Tracy: What? We're getting married in five hours.
Phil: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

To the Seattle Seahawk’s hasty decision to dole out $7 million per year for five years to hire Pete Carroll to turn around the franchise, just as he was ditching the burning building formally known as USC football. This has all the makings of being a Hindenburg level disaster. Their legendary offensive line coach quit just a week before the season opener, their highly drafted starting left tackle held out of training camp and is now injured to start the season, and they just made the bizarre decision to pay T.J. Houshmandzadeh over $6 million to not play for them this season, instead giving his starting spot to Mike Williams, a receiver who once reported to camp at a staggering 271 pounds (more than what most tight ends weigh). Williams’ best numbers came in his rookie year when he caught a whopping 29 passes for 350 yards and 1 touchdown. The other two years he played he failed to gain over 100 yards for the season. All told, Williams has just 44 catches over the last five years of football (remember, he was the other player caught up in the Maurice Clarett ruling after sitting out the 2004 college season). He literally hasn’t proven himself to be capable of playing football at any level for the past seven seasons. No CFL, no arena league, nothing. You know how NFL analysts always use the phrase, “what have you done for me lately?” Williams might be the first “what haven’t you done for anybody lately” player in league history. Meanwhile, the Seahawks still owe Jim Mora Jr. $12 million over the next three years to not coach the team. For those counting at home, that’s $11 million per year for the next three years for the combo coachsuck platter of Carroll and Mora Jr. Actually, paying Mora Jr. that much to stay away from the team might not be such a bad investment considering this picture below:

What could Mora possibly be describing in the middle of a press conference that would warrant that crazed pose? I love how this picture captures the exact moment that the executive to Mora's left decided he wasn't going to work out in Seattle. Back to Carroll. It truly amazes me that the coach who once thought it would be a great idea to fake a player’s suicide in front of his team has now being given the keys to the castle. Maybe Carroll’s daily slogans and motivational mantras will work with grown professionals. Does anyone really believe that “Tell the Truth Monday” was one of the secret tenets to USC’s success over the years (and not say, building a team with the best athletes in the nation)? Anyone think those motivational tactics are going to work as well with adult men as they did with 18 year olds entering college? Put another way, how would you react if your boss starting instituting a voluntary "Tell the Truth Monday" session during your lunch hour at the beginning of each week? The odds of you willingly attending that meeting would be somewhere between 0 and 1 percent, right? Already, Carroll has shed over half the roster from last year’s five win team. Here’s hoping the team’s win total doesn’t go in the same direction.

4. Alan: How's my hair?

Stu Price (Ed Helms): That's good.
Alan: It's cool like Phil's?
Stu: It's classic Phil.

Alan’s and Stu’s discussion on hair has to go to the epic battle going on between Chaz Whitehurst and Tom Brady. To summarize, please study the pictures below:

It's clear that Chaz is trying to keep pace with Tom under the belief that having the most ridiculous looking hair imaginable will net him a supermodel wife and Superbowl rings. And since Brady’s way too established to be teased for this look, I’ll have to start the movement to agree with this call that Chaz Whitehurst be dubbed the Prince of Persia.

Fantastic. Oh, and by the way, Pete Caroll decided to trade a third round pick for the Prince, as well as give him a $10 million contract, because, as we all know, 6’5” quarterbacks with great hair are always a good investment. Hey, whaddaya know? The Prince of Persia’s decision to copy Brady's hair worked after all!

5. Alan: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu: It's also illegal.
Alan: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

This instant classic of a line has to go to the New England Patriots, who have faced a rash of bad luck ever since the spygate scandal, where Bill Belicheck steadfastly maintained he did nothing illegal, rather simply misinterpreted the rule on taping opponent’s signals during games. Let’s see….there was the helmet catch to end ‘07, the Brady injury in the season opener of ’08, missing out on the playoffs that year despite an 11 win season, then the Welker injury in a meaningless game 17 last year to kill of any hope for a deep run in the playoffs. The model franchise over the last decade all of a sudden has one of its best offensive lineman holding out (Logan Mankins), while its star quarterback was quietly embroiled in a contract dispute (wasn’t this the same guy that left money on the table for the better of the team a few years ago?). Now we have news that Brady’s ultimate team player status is in question now that he’s got family demands to attend to, resulting in him losing his coveted parking space during offseason workouts. Meanwhile, Belicheck has officially morphed into the football mad scientist. He’s shipping out veterans while stockpiling draft picks, turned a small college quarterback into the second coming off Wes Welker, and, as TMQ points out, heads into the season without either an offensive or defensive coordinator on staff. No one forsaw any of this coming heading into the Superbowl two years ago. It appears the football gods have more than frowned upon the Patriots due to spygate. I wonder if they will continue to haunt the Pats four years later?

6. Sid (Jeffrey Tambor): Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for Herpes. That s**t will come back with you.

The herpes award goes to the Cleveland Browns for their decision to bring in Jake Delhomme as their starting quarterback, the team’s seventh different opening day quarterback in the past eight years. Just take a look at the list of Brown’s starting quarterbacks since the franchise was recreated in 1999:

1999: Ty Detmer

2000: Tim Couch

2001: Tim Couch

2002: Kelly Holcomb

2003: Kelly Holcomb

2004: Jeff Garcia

2005: Trent Dilfer

2006: Charlie Frye

2007: Derek Anderson

2008: Derek Anderson

2009: Brady Quinn

Bleech. So Mike Holmgren (he of the rumored $10 million annual salary) decides it’ll be worthwhile to pay Jake Delhomme $7 million to play quarterback this season, presumably on the notion that he is still the same quarterback who nearly led the Panthers to a title. Just a quick recap on Delhomme since then: he is now 35 years old, coming off the worst season in his career, one where he threw 18 interceptions versus just 8 touchdowns. Add in lingering doubts about whether he ever really overcame elbow surgery back in 2007, not to mention the fact that his five interception game at home in the playoffs to end 2008 remains the single worst performance in postseason history. All of that adds up to him being so bad that the Carolina Panthers preferred to pay him $12 million to have him off of their roster rather than keep him as a veteran insurance policy for the unproven Matt Moore. Even more damming, the Panthers head into the season with two rookies (Jimmy Clausen and Tony Pike) as Moore’s backups. So basically Delhomme is worth less than negative $12 million to the Panthers, yet somehow the Browns decided to pay him $7 million to play for them. All told, Delhomme is going to be paid over $19 million to play, and not play football this year. Wha...wha....what!??! All that for a QB that ranked dead last in John Clayton’s preseason rankings. Sorry, Cleveland, you can't fool yourselves into believing you’re getting the 2004 version of Jake. This one comes with the type of baggage you just can't get rid of.

7. Stu: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!

To Mark Sanchez and all the hype the Jets are getting heading into the season. While the Jets had a deep run in the playoffs last year, it certainly was not because of the Sanchize. In eighteen games (including playoffs), he threw for over 200 yards just five times, never once crossing the 300 yard mark. Perhaps even more damming is that the Jets went just 1-4 in those five contests. The Jets might have the best defense in the league now that Revis Island is back, but they’re going to need more from their young quarterback if they want to become a true Superbowl contender. Speaking of the Jets....

8. Alan: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.

Mr. Chow: It's funny because he's fat!

Rex Ryan’s ascendancy to foul-mouthed prominence has earned him two separate quotes, both of which are completely necessary given his Emmy worthy performance on Hard Knocks this year. Ryan’s decision to gain 60 pounds to emulate Robert De Niro’s training for the role of an overweight, aging Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull is one of the more unconventional motivational tactics in coaching history. Just check out this picture of Rex La Motta:

You can’t tell me that isn’t a picture of a man who knows how to motivate grown men. I'm not sure what is more inspiring, the fact the Rex carries a neck pillow with him on team bus rides or that he has to devote his free hand to pulling up his shorts? For all the sound and fury that Ryan has brought to the Jets, his team was just 7-7 heading into a week 16 matchup with the undefeated Colts last year. Had the Colts not unleashed the rollover squad otherwise known as Curtis Painter and company in the second half, the Jets don’t make the playoffs and finish the season on a sour note. Speaking of which, can we all agree to just rename any Colts quarterback backing up Peyton Manning the Rollover? I prefer not having to commit brain cells to learning the names of the Jim Sorgis of the world.

9. Alan: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

To Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts. The Colts were one of the first teams to realize that there is more consistency in modern football on offense than there is on defense. Think about the offensive consistency they’ve had surrounding Peyton over the years? Since 1996, the Colts have used their #1 pick in the draft to select offensive players 10 out of 14 times before this season, including three wide receivers (Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Anthony Gonzalez), three running backs (Edgerrin James, Joe Addai, Donald Brown), two offensive lineman (Tarik Glenn, Mike Pollak), and one tight end (Dallas Clark), to join the one man wolfpack that is Peyton Manning. As Football Outsiders have pointed out time and again, offense is more consistent from year to year than defense is. This approach makes sense, offenses dictate the pace and style of play while defenses are constantly reacting to those decisions. Other model franchises seem to emulate this approach, and four of the top five favorites for the title this year are built around their offenses (Saints, Colts, Cowboys and Packers) with the Ravens being the fifth team (they bulked up their offense through off-season acquisitions). Even the Patriots and Steelers, two teams traditionally built around defense have leaned offensively in recent years, ranking third and seventh overall in yards per game last year (anyone else surprised that the Steelers ranked just behind the Packers in that category?). Offense is simply more consistent year to year, and teams that have added to their offensive wolfpack have a better shot at winning it all.

10. Alan: [while getting fitted for a tux] Woah watch it pervert!
Doug: Relax Alan, he's just measuring your inseam.
Alan: Well he's getting close to my shaft.

This quote goes to the Texans, the annual close but not close enough team who once again are being touted as darkhorses to make the playoffs and upset the Colts in the division, even though they’ve never really come close to doing this, having beaten the Colts just once in 16 tries. In fact, the Texans have yet to register a double digit win season during their eight years of existence, and they just lost their top cornerback (Dunta Robinson) to the Falcons. If anything, the Texans are a classic result of fantasy buzz, the phenomenon where NFL fans end up overrating a team simply based on the number of fantasy players they have. On paper, the delightful fantasy combination of Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, Arian Foster and Owen Daniels is titillating. In reality, that’s only one part of the puzzle needed to win. Meanwhile, undrafted second year player Foster opens the seasons as their top running back, leading to the uncomfortable situation for fantasy websites when the headline “Arian Race” is posted on message boards across the county. The AFC South looks much improved with the Panthers and Titans finishing strong down the stretch last year. No matter how much fantasy star power the Texans might have on paper, it doesn’t appear that it’ll be enough them to get them past the inseam.

11. Phil: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

To Donovan McNabb, after being dumped to NFC East rival Washington Redskins after 11 years with the Eagles. This decision was largely financial (funny given that the Eagles’ stadium is called Lincoln Financial Field), as McNabb was owed a $6.2 million roster bonus that the Eagles didn’t want to pay, something Dan Snyder surely doesn’t care about given his spending habits. I'm still not sure if this says more about McNabb or the Eagles that the team was willing to deal their franchise leader in yards, completions, completion percentage, and touchdowns within the division, but with Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick already on the roster, something had to give. McNabb has to feel slighted that the franchise he played led for so long would let him go after winning over 65% of his regular season games and appearing in five NFC Championship Games. McNabb appears to be just fine with the move, and no one would be surprised if he ends up receiving more cheers in his return to play against Philly than he ever did playing for them.

12. Stu: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan: Coffee Bean.

To Mike Shanahan and his handling of Albert Haynesworth, who gave the Washington Redskins next to nothing in exchange for the $32 million they paid him last year. You know old Frozen Face wasn't going to take well to Haynesworth's lazy habits. It probably came as a source of great joy for many in the Redskins organization to witness Haynesworth fail that sprint test over and over again when he showed up for training camp out of shape after refusing to attend offseason workouts. Even worse, Shanahan benched Haynesworth during the first half of preseason games only to play him in the second half when all the starters were out. This old school embarrassment tactic was certainly directed at Haynesworth, but had the bonus of showing the rest of the team that old Frozen Face was back and meant business. The Redskins have an underrated defense and a capable quarterback, if Frozen Face can get the offensive line working to protect McNabb and open up running lanes like his teams did in Denver, the Skins could be a surprise team in 2010.

13. Alan: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan: That'll work.

To the Titans for going old school with Vince Young and Chris Johnson running the option this season. Consider this football’s throwback equivalent to baseball’s year of the pitcher. Jeff Fisher hasn’t bought into any of the talk of limiting Johnson’s reps this year despite his 408 total touches last year, and Young matches Johnson’s career 5.3 yards per rush average. The math seems so simple that it almost forces the Titans to run with those two in the backfield. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the option become this season’s version of the Wildcat. The Titans are a bonafide sleeper in the AFC South, coming off a disastrous start until Young led them on an 8-2 run down the stretch. The team is just a year removed from being the #1 seed in the AFC, and it would come as no surprise if Fisher was able to get them back there playing the type of smash mouth football that he grew to love during his playing days on the Chicago Bears.

14. Stu: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan: The Doug we're looking for is a white.

To the Dallas Cowboys, who have been desperately trying to develop Roy Williams as the receiver opposite Miles Austin, something that Williams has failed at miserably. You need to understand Roy Williams' background to understand why Jerry Jones gave up so much to get him. Williams was a football legend in Texas even before he played a down for the Cowboys. In high school, he was the star player of at Permian, the school made famous from Friday Night Lights. He was the star player at the University of Texas, where his class was touted as the best receiving class ever to play in Austin. He put up solid numbers in Detroit after being the seventh overall pick in the draft. Meanwhile, Jones was building a billion dollar stadium, had an up and coming young team in need of a go to receiver after Terrell Ownes wore out his welcome, and was scheduled to host the Super Bowl in 2011 when Williams would be 28 and in the prime of his career. Unfortunately, the best laid plans haven’t worked out, and Williams has been a huge disappointment in the Big D. Michael Irvin even called him out on national tv declaring that the Cowboys play 10 against 11 whenever Williams is on the field (ouch!). For Jones’ dream of hosting the SuperBowl with the Cowboys playing to come true, the team might need to look to start Dez Bryant over Williams. It's a longshot for the rookie, but he might have a better chance to become the Doug that the Cowboys have been looking for.

15. Alan: Hey what's that on your arm?

Stu: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan: Are you okay?

To Sam Bradford, who most likely will go through this very scenario at some point during the season. For all the talk about passing up on Suh, it’s hard to knock Bradford - he’s a proven winner in college with a strong arm and a perfect quarterback’s body (6’4”, 240lbs). He’s the type of athlete that you have a hard time rooting against; he wasn’t highly touted before winning the starting job at Oklahoma as a redshirt freshman, lists hockey as his favorite sport to watch, and even lettered in golf while in high school. How many Heisman winning football players played on their golf team in high school? Bradford has looked great in the preseason, says all the right things, and looks like a potential fantasy star playing in the dome. It’s too bad he’s going to get throttled playing for the Rams this year.

16. Doug (Justin Bartha): We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.

To the Chicago Bears' coaching staff, who have performed the miracle of assembling four failed head coaches onto their coaching staff this year. Everyone knows that Lovie Smith would have been fired after last year were in not for the stingy Bears owners having to pay him $11 million to hand him his walking papers. So instead of doing the right thing, they’ve decided to dive head first by forming the most ill-fitting coaching crew of all time. Let’s count the list. 1) A lame duck head coach? Check. You just know professional athletes love to give their all to a coach that won't be around next year. 2) An offensive coordinator (Mike Martz) who’s been known to clash with quarterbacks and whose schemes have only worked for dome teams in the past? Check. Great call, Cutler seems like the perfect fit for a demanding coach with a large ego, and Soldier Field seems like the perfect place to install a precision based offense, what with the terrible sod, freezing outdoor temperatures and swirling winds. 3) A defensive coordinator (Rod Marinelli) who was at the helm for the only 0-16 team in league history? Check. Marinelli, last year's defensive line coach who Smith dubbed the team’s best off-season acquisition did so well that his two starting defensive ends (Alex Brown, Adewale Ogunleye) both got booted out of town after combining for just 12.5 sacks. 4) An offensive line coach (Mike Tice) who is better known for leading a ticket scalping ring during his time in Minnesota than winning. Check. This all spells disaster for the Bears this season. There’s been a lot of ink spilled about Lovie taking the fall if the Bears have a bad year, and you can be sure that is going to spread like poison through the clubhouse if the Bears get off to a bad start. Already Brian Urlacher has told the press that it’s not going to be the end of the world if they lose the season opener at home to the lowly Detroit Lions. That doesn’t sound like the talk of a confident team. Unless all these pieces somehow come together in a hurry, the coaching patchwork quilt that’s been assembled is likely be a one and done deal.

17. Phil: [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, you don't exist.

To the Jacksonville Jaguars, who are doing their best to make people forget they’re still a member of the league. There’s almost no storyline worth telling about Jacksonville other than a) they are likely to get relocated, as ownership secretly had to purchase a number of unsold seats in the preseason to avoid games being blacked out, and b) Maurice Jones-Drew should be a top four draft pick in fantasy. That’s it. You can’t tell me on any story that would get me interested in David Garrard or Mike Sims-Walker at this point. I’m starting to realize that the whole punter gashing himself with an ax to celebrate a victory in the locker room story from a couple seasons ago was actually a marketing idea trumped up to generate interest in the franchise. The Jaguars could have at least drafted local native Tim Tebow so we could watch him get hit really hard by NFL linebackers. Instead, they spent the #10 overall pick on a defensive tackle that most teams didn’t even have going in the first round, ensuring that the only people interested in the Jags this year will be MJD’s fantasy owners. Here’s hoping this is all part of a well orchestrated conspiracy to lull NFL fans into forgetting that a Jacksonville team exists so no one will be upset when they relocate to that NFL stadium they are somehow already building in Los Angeles.

18. Eddie Palermo: Listen to me, I'm gonna' tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!

To Anquan Boldin, who has to be the craziest, wildest receiver to ever play football. Remember back when Boldin took this hit, one that was so bad that it almost caused his quarterback to retire? Boldin suffered a fractured face, nerve damage, and had surgery requiring seven plates and 40 screws. 40 screws! Then three weeks later he suited up to play and helped lead the Cardinals to its first Superbowl appearance in team history. Unbelievable. The man is the closest thing we have to replicating Wolverine’s healing abilities. Now Boldin is on the Ravens, a perfect fit on one of the toughest teams in the league with Derrick Mason, Ray Lewis and company.

19. Stu: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-f***ing his corpse!
Alan: That's highly unlikely.

To Boldin and Kurt Warner for leaving Larry Fitzgerald without his old friends back in Arizona. I participated in an auction draft in fantasy for the first time this year, during which all the top wide receivers were consistently going for right around $20. When my turn came up I nominated Larry Fitzgerald for $15, certain that someone else would pay up despite the loss of Boldin and Warner. You know what happens next. Nobody bids another dollar and I somehow end up with Fitzgerald on the cheap, leaving me certain he’ll be lying in a ditch somewhere after errant duck #442 from the Derek Anderson/Max Hall pupu platter at quarterback.

20. Doug: All good with Melissa?
Stu: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

To the San Diego Chargers fans who just completed year three with Norv Turner. They’re still trying to convince themselves that Norv is capable of leading them to the promised land, even against the overwhelming evidence pointing to his inability to win when it matters most. Sure, they’re likely to win their division, Rivers is one of the best young quarterbacks in the league, and Ryan Matthews looks like a lock for rookie of the year. But it still comes down to Norv making the big decisions in the big games, and that’s a reality no Charger fan wants to face. They’ve already got enough to worry over entering the season with the absence of their top wideout (Vincent Jackson) and left tackle (Marcus McNeil) without having to think about the annual event that has become the Chargers choking in the playoffs. It’s funny that Turner got the Chargers job because Marty Schottenheimer wasn’t able to win in the playoffs. For Chargers fans, its better to convince themselves everything is going to be alright rather than realize that Norv can't win in the playoffs either.

21. Sid: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug: Understood.
Sid: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

To the Buffalo Bills, who made the brilliant decision to draft CJ Spiller with their first round pick, despite having both Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson already on the roster. Using their first draft pick for a running back for the second time in three seasons would be surprising enough if it didn’t also come on the heels of signing Fred Jackson to a four year deal at the end of last season after he established himself as the starter. With so many areas of need, it seems like madness to draft another running back with a top ten pick in the draft. Add to the fact that all three running backs wear nearly identical numbers, and you have an absolute clusterf**k at the position. I refuse to learn who in the Buffalo backfield wears numbers 21, 22 or 23, that’s just way too much to try to remember for such little fantasy payout. Then again, I’ve refused to watch any non-Toronto Bills home games for years, unless of course they are playing under five feet of snow. At least then there’s a valid excuse for not being able to recognize which of their running backs is playing.

22. Alan: Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.

To the Bengals for having both Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco on their roster. These two receivers love attention, actually can’t live without it, but one thing they both hate is not getting the ball thrown in their direction enough. I’d like to say that it’s going to be interesting to watch the dynamic between these two evolve as the season progresses, but that’s probably not going to be true. In all likelihood it’s going to be far more annoying than interesting. Both receivers are past their primes, both aren’t nearly as interesting as they try to make themselves out to be, and the Bengals season hinges more on their underrated defense and running game than on these two. Meanwhile, I'm still not convinced that Carson Palmer ever actually recovered from that hit he took in the playoffs three years ago, and wouldn't be surprised if the Bengals have actually been playing his brother with Carson's jersey on this whole time. Wouldn't that be a great explanation for Palmer's drop from fantasy stud to being nearly undraftable? Would you put it past Mike Brown to save money by doing this?

23. Officer Foltz [giving kids a tour of the station]: See kids, this is where we bring suspects in order to be detained. Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place "Loserville".

To the Detroit Lions who have amassed a total of two wins over the past two seasons, one of which came off this amazing highlight by Matthew Stafford when he went back in to win the game after getting drilled and injuring his shoulder. There’s a glimmer of hope that the Lions may turn it around this year. Stafford is the most promising quarterback they’ve had in years, Megatron is a beast, and they’ve added Jahvid Best, Ndamukong Suh, Kyle Vanden Bosch and Nate Burleson to a squad that will be under no pressure to win. Plus, the Lions hired themselves a solid head coach in Jim Schwartz, a defense first guy who holds an economics degree from Georgetown. Schwartz has already proven his smarts on Twitter, dropping shout outs to Lions fans and pumping Michigan native Kid Rock as one of his favorite bands. For the first time in years, you can actually sense a faint hint of optimism around Ford Field.

24. Phil: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.

This one is a layup, going to Ben Rothlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers for….wait, what? Too soon? Right, no need to comment further given that movie line. Instead I’d like to get into the head of Mike Tomlin during his decision making process of whether to start Dennis Dixon or Charlie Batch during Ben’s suspension. On the one hand Batch is beloved in Pittsburgh, has shown the ability to manage a game, and has performed well in the starting role before despite not bringing much to the table physically. On the other hand, Dennis Dixon is an exciting athlete who looked poised in taking the Ravens to overtime on the road last year when Ben was out with a concussion. In the end, I think this decision came down to which backup would keep Ben most interested in the team during his four game suspension. Once I read that Tomlin's nickname for Dixon is "Double D," I knew who Tomlin was going with...we all know that the one thing Big Ben can’t keep his eyes off are Double D’s! So Dixon it is, another great call by Coach Tomlin.

25. Alan: It was really nice meeting you.
Melissa: F**k off!
Alan: You know, I was thinking of getting my bartender's license.
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan: No, thank you.

To Thomas Jones for being dumped by the New York Jets after being the league's number three rusher on a team that made it to the AFC Championship game. This after Jones was dumped by the Chicago Bears after being their leading rusher on a team that made it to the Superbowl. I think a lot of this has to do with Sports Guy’s Chris Johnson theory that he’d be a lot more famous if only his name were more interesting. Imagine if Thomas Jones’ name were Psoriasis Jones or Everett Bainbridge, no way either of those guys get traded after putting up those numbers on winning teams. Who knows if Jamaal Charles is really the guy in Kansas City? All I know is, you can count on the Chiefs shipping out Jones if he ever does perform well and takes his team deep into the playoffs.

26. Stu: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan: Thank you.

To the Oakland Raiders and Al Davis, who has been around for so long that no one is really certain how many of his body parts have already been frozen for science. Under Davis, the Raiders have had atrocious drafts - Darrius Heyward-Bey, Darren McFadden and Jamarcus Russell were their top picks over the past three years, yet somehow they find themselves with a decent team at those positions (Louis Murphy, Michael Bush, Jason Campbell) despite those selections. They’ve got a surprisingly good defense this year led by Nnamdi Asomugha and Richard Seymour, with Rolondo McClain looking like the real deal at linebacker. It’s almost as if the Raiders are getting decent again despite Davis’ involvement. I suppose a winning cycle is inevitable for any team in the NFL, even if they are literally too stupid to help themselves. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, they found a picture of JaMarcus Russell recently. All things told, he appears to be enjoying retirement just fine:

Thanks for reading and enjoy the season!